My Review of the 2011 Emmys

Time for my annual Emmy review. But it’s a little different this year. I didn’t see them. I was on a plane with the Seattle Mariners flying to Cleveland. But I’ve seen enough of these backslapfests that I have a pretty good idea of what took place. So I'm reviewing the Emmys anyway. See how many of these observations I got right.

Considering how many promos Fox ran for X-FACTOR, most people thought that Simon Cowell hosted the Emmys.

What’s the point of having SURVIVOR creator, Mark Burnett produce the Emmys if he’s not going to move the show to Palau?

Host Jane Lynch is just naturally funny. She was a good choice for host even though half the people in America still don’t know who she is. And another large portion thought she was Ellen.

Other hosts when Fox has had the show (and this is not a joke): Ryan Seacrest, Cybill Shepherd, Jane Pauley, and Dennis Miller (twice!).

MAD MEN’S Matt Weiner almost trampled his presenter getting to the podium to deliver his speech.

I was thrilled that MODERN FAMILY or PARKS & RECREATION won for Best Comedy.

Producer Mark Burnett has said that the “In Memoriam” segment doesn’t have to be such a downer. Really??? To that end, the song under the clips was “Where Dem Girls At”.

Six winners told their kids to go to bed. Five thanked Jesus. One told Jesus to go to bed.

Wow! How about those upsets?!

What does it say about the “Best Actress in a Comedy” category when two of the nominees -- Laura Linney and Edie Falco – don’t even try to be funny?

Gray ribbons this year as Hollywood rallies to provide relief to the hurricane victims in the Hamptons whose guest homes and tennis courts sustained water damage.

Congratulations to Margo Martindale. If ever an Emmy was “Justified”.

For the tenth year in a row I didn’t see the winning Miniseries. And for the tenth year in a row I have no desire to see it even after it won.

Another nice Mark Burnett touch: Bryan Cranston wasn't eligible this year but he was awarded the Governor's Immunity Idol.

Kate Winslet and Martin Scorsese won Emmys for having already won Oscars. When you win an Academy Award they should just throw an Emmy in the swag bag.

Martin Scorsese thanked everyone in the industry by name and was still finished before the “walk off” music began.

After two years they finally dropped the “coming up in 25 minutes” scroll designed to retain viewers. It was replaced with a split-screen camera that just stayed on Sofia Vergara the entire night.

At least one Red Carpet interviewer asked Margo Martindale if she was coming back next year on JUSTIFIED and another said how much she loved Margo's dad, Wink. Still another was hoping the "real" Mildred Pierce would be there for the ceremony.

Gwyneth Paltrow won an Emmy for “Best Movie Star Who Agreed to be a Presenter”.

Her introduction included at least one cleansing joke.

The TV Academy still considers Louis C.K.’s brilliance “nomination-worthy only”.

Zooey Dechanel wore the kookiest dress of the night.

In a desperate attempt to attract younger viewers, Miley Cyrus was given the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance that wasn't much of a surprise. In fact, if I remember correctly -- didn't the crawl last year at the bottom of the screen say at one time "1 year and 7 minutes until Charlie Sheen makes a surprise entrance"?

It’s not fair that producers of network shows like THE GOOD WIFE have to compete with cable shows like MAD MEN since THE GOOD WIFE has to churn out 22 episodes in one year while MAD MEN turns out 13 in two.

Don’t tell Hugh Laurie it’s an honor just to be nominated. Or Chuck Lorre.

But you can say it to Robot Chicken and Nathan Lane who were both lucky to be there at all.

Sofia Vergara's presenter schtick was accent jokes.

How can a show that claims to celebrate the excellence of television even mention JERSEY SHORE?

Jimmy Fallon’s musical numbers from last year’s Emmys were not topped.

At least one winning actor thanked the wrong network.

Betty White didn’t win but if I know her she said, “Who gives a shit? I’ll get one next year.”

Presenter Ian Somerhalder is best known for “one of those shows you know but can’t put your finger on”.

I was rooting for the KENNEDYS because it was rejected by several networks including The History Channel. Someone makes a home movie about a neighbor who looks sort of like Hitler and they buy it, but a miniseries on the Kennedys was not worthy of their precious airtime.

No one mentioned that the four major networks wanted out of the Emmy contract this year. Even that obscure network that carried the KENNEDYS had reservations.

Sorry that Julie Bowen didn’t win unless she did. In which case, it was a lock.

In an effort to save time, the Miniseries and Made For TV Movie award categories were combined this year. Next year plans are to merge the Best Art Direction Award with Writing For a Comedy.

Jimmy Kimmel should have won the Best Talk Show Emmy. No, he wasn’t nominated but hey, that’s what upsets are for!

My favorite category this year: “Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Special”. The nominees were Lady Gaga, Carrie Fisher, Bette Midler, and Pee Wee Herman. And they wonder why the Winged Woman doesn’t have the same stature as Oscar.

Smarmy jokes in pilots

My, how things have changed. A number of years ago I was showrunning a show and reading through a mountain of spec scripts looking for new staff writers. Again, young scribes, remember -- we want to like your script. Nothing would please us more. Every time we pick up a script we’re hoping this is the one. Most are disappointing though. One in particular I thought was terrible. It was a spec NEWSRADIO. (Warning: adult content ahead) The story was that the Dave Foley character comes into his office one morning to find there is a big cum stain on his couch. The episode is trying to determine who left it. Hilarity ensues. Now who doesn’t love a good cum stain joke? I mean, really. It’s the staple of comedy. However, for a network situation comedy, it’s a little inappropriate. Not to mention smarmy. So I decided to do what I thought was a good thing. Instead of just writing a standard rejection letter I called the agent. I told him that his client was doing himself a disservice by sending around this particular spec. Some might find cum stain jokes offensive. Besides, it’s not a good representation of NEWSRADIO. They would never do that episode. And NBC would never allow them to do that episode. If the writer had anything else I’d be happy to read it. The agent basically told me to go fuck myself. This was a brilliant script and if I didn’t recognize it then I was an idiot. No good deed goes unpunished, right? I don’t know whatever happened to that writer but I’m guessing he didn’t make it. I never saw his name on a show. And when I received scripts from that agent they went right to the bottom of the pile. Last night did you see the pilot of 2 BROKE GIRLS that debuted on CBS? One of the stars is Kat Denning, who was in one of our failed pilots and I’m very happy for her success. (Aaron Paul was also in that project before moving on to BREAKING BAD. We’re like the Broadway Danny Rose of pilot creators.) Anyway, there are two, maybe three cum stain jokes in it. This is the pilot – subject to all that extensive research testing. So apparently cum stains on a uniform a waitress is supposed to wear during business hours at a diner are now not objectionable. There are actually a lot of good jokes in the pilot but the cum stain jokes aren’t three of ‘em. They're pretty lame cum stain jokes. This is certainly an example of how standards and tastes change. (No pun on “tastes” intended although if you laughed, sure, what the hell?) I’m sure that agent would say “I told you so” (except that I’d never take his call), and maybe he’s right. I hope not but I dunno. Would our failed pilot with Kat Denning and Aaron Paul now be in the sixth year of production if we only had thrown in a couple of cum stain jokes? And there were places for ‘em. There always are. But we took the high road. We like to think we're good enough comedy writers that we can make people laugh without having to resort to lines like, "Gee, I sure hope that was clam chowder". keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword 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Thor the Love of God -- Stop Making These Movies!

I missed most of the blockbuster super hero epics this summer. I’m holding out for Mighty Mouse. But recently my daughter Netflixed THOR and it was just sitting around so I figured, what the hell? I do like a good action movie, I seem to recall it got good reviews, and it has Natalie Portman (obviously vying for a second Oscar). Also, it was directed by Kenneth Branaugh, the self-proclaimed next Orson Welles. And if all that wasn’t enough -- Sir. Anthony Hopkins was in it. Pretty classy elements servicing a guy who looks like the Geico caveman with a hammer. So after hitting every button on the remote to see if I could fast forward through the Goddamn CAPTAIN AMERICA trailer, I settled in for a fun night of escapist fare. What a jumbled mess. SPOILER ALERT -- not that you haven't seen every moment of this movie fifteen times. I guess if you’re a fanboy and know the Byzantine legend of Thor the first half hour makes sense. “Oh, awesome, the realm of Asgard looks just like the model I made in my room.” There were battle scenes between ice monsters and Vikings, a goofy transporter machine guarded by a giant Oscar, a galactic city that looked like someone wedged an enormous pipe organ into the side of a mountain, endless backstory (I think in there somewhere they also explained the Lord of the Rings), and everyone was dressed like they were in an opera. Anthony Hopkins plays the king of the good planet. He wears a black eye patch, obviously hoping to funnel into the theater some of the stray PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN crowd. Chris Hemsworth is hammer boy and he’s surrounded by a weasel brother, a band of Capital One Visigoth warriors, oh… and Rene Russo (she came out of retirement for this?). Not only do they speak English on this distant planet, but formal English (thank you, Kenneth Branaugh). Bedrooms are “chambers”. People are “summoned”. The evil planet is a combination NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and Syracuse in the winter.
 
Finally, Thor is banished to earth where he lands in New Mexico (why do aliens from outer space always seem to favor New Mexico? Do they get a tax break?). There he encounters Natalie Portman (who thank goodness has had a few milk shakes since THE BLACK SWAN), Stellan Skarsgård, and Kat Denning (whose backstory is that she was in one of our failed pilots and had a whole lot more to do in it than this). Thor is hit by a truck, tasered, and restrained (and you wonder why tourism is down in New Mexico). Natalie of course befriends him. Ten screen minutes later he’s making eggs for the family. Ten screen minutes later he’s hoisting boilermakers with Stellan. And what cliché comic book movie would be complete without the alien in the diner scene and the asshole FBI investigators arriving on the scene in their dark suits to run roughshod over everybody? At this point Orson Branaugh bounces back and forth between New Mexico and Asgard (which, by the way, looked more realistic than New Mexico). Every time they went back to Planet CGI I completely zoned out. More lore and gore. Zzzzzzzzz. For reasons probably explained but I was too distracted wondering why everyone on this advanced planet dressed like they were in Sherwood Forest, the weasel brother sends a giant Transformer to earth to destroy everything that Michael Bay’s Transformers didn’t already destroy. In the midst of all this destruction and mayhem Thor somehow learns humility and is rewarded by the return of his magic hammer. And now it’s like Popeye eating a can of spinach. Metal Bluto doesn’t have a chance. Great! Movie over. Uh no. Seems if I were paying attention I’d know that Thor still had to go back to Wurlitzer City to settle unfinished business there. This segment was the worm hole of entertainment. Here’s what’s scary: From all reports, among the summer comic book lollapaloozas, this was considered one of the better ones. Holy shit! How terrible was GREEN LANTERN? On the one hand, I’d like to say, well the summer’s over so that’ll be the end of them for awhile. But you know Hollywood. They’re being replaced in the fall by cheesy Adam Sandler and Jonah Hill comedies. Fanboys must be served!

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Response to Thor fans

Now I know how to generate comments. Yeow! A couple of things: I do like action movies. I appreciate that many of you did like THOR. Great. I'm sure you'll love THOR 2-11. I didn't. I don't apologize for my review. But I do apologize for not putting an S at the end of Dennings.