Candidate for Worst New Show: THE PLAYBOY CLUB

I’m giving you fair warning: This one is a turkey. It premieres Monday night. You gotta see it to believe it. THE PLAYBOY CLUB. From the first second you know you’re in trouble when Hef himself narrates it. I will acknowledge that a hundred years ago Hugh Hefner was indeed a major force in popular culture. And his willingness to challenge society’s repressed attitudes on sexuality and ignorant views on civil rights were courageous and to be applauded. And more importantly, thanks to him I saw pictures of naked girls when I was a kid! But Hef has become a sad comical caricature of himself. Now in his 80s and looking like a whittled fungo bat you see him surrounded by busty 20 year-old bimbos, wearing his robe and sailor’s cap still prancing around like a swinging ladies man. He was recently engaged to a trollop who could easily be his great granddaughter. Aging with dignity I guess is not in the vaunted Playboy Philosophy. His narration doesn’t add gravitas, it sets the tone for goofiness. Plus, since a real person is discussing a real place that actually existed, his narration would suggest that the events you are about to see are true… or at least not preposterous. Nothing could be further from the truth. The bunny costumes are authentic right down to the cuff-links. Other than that, everything about this show is absolutely absurd.

Newbie bunny, Maureen (played by Amber Heard who looks 30) accidentally kills a major mob boss (essentially Sam Giancana) in the first five minutes. I mean, that's the kind of thing that happened usually on Thursday nights in the club, right? Who needs to hire a hit man from Detroit when you've got a waitress from Iowa. But wait! It gets worse! Laura Benanti, a Tony winner, is reduced to playing the Bunny Mother/bitch delivering bad Joan Crawford dialogue in a tail. And we’re supposed to believe that David Krumholtz is a no-nonsense tough guy. Kenneth from 30 ROCK could kick his sorry ass. But wait! It gets worse! If the real Hef isn’t enough, there’s also the “character” of Hugh Hefner actually in the show. You just see him from the back in his smoking jacket and pipe (ala George Steinbrenner on SEINFELD) but he’s a presence. What the pilot intimates is that one of the themes of this series will be the Chicago mob trying to get their greasy mitts on the club only to be thwarted at every turn by the much stronger, more intimidating Hugh Hefner. But wait! It gets much worse!

This show is such a blatant rip-off of MAD MEN that it’s shameful. The lead actor, played by Eddie Cibrian, is DOING Don Draper. He’s a flat-out Jon Hamm impersonator. The moves, the expression, the look. He’s not an actor, he’s a mimic. Seriously, if I was the president of NBC and I screened this pilot I would turn to my lieutenants and say, “I can’t put this on the air. We’ll be the laughing stock of the industry.” But wait! (You know what’s coming.)

Naturi Naughton plays one of the bunnies. She was in MAD MEN. And what part did she play? A Playboy bunny. This is beyond a rip-off. This is a rip-off and a crossover. One of the other bunnies looks like Joan of MAD MEN and every blond is a Betty Draper clone. Like I said, utterly inexcusably shameful. I love this era. Love the music, the look, the style, pretty much everything about it except Topo Gigio. And it kills me when a show comes along and does it badly. Oh well. At least I still have PAN AM to look forward to. Although from what I understand, that series asks you to believe that most of the international stewardesses on PAN AM also worked for the CIA. Ohhhh-kay. I guarantee you if that works, by episode ten of THE PLAYBOY CLUB Hugh Hefner will be a secret agent. keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword keyword 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Getting You Ready for the Emmys

The 97th annual Emmy Awards take place tomorrow night. As always, I will be reviewing it. But this year my review will be very different. Check back Monday and see. But to get you all excited, this weekend I'm reprising observations from past Emmy reviews. Relive the magic and snark.

In sixty years there’s never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party at Sr. George’s Smorgasbord.

And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

The people in the first ten rows you don’t recognize are called “seat fillers”. When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they’re replaced by the “nominated writers”.

Nice touch showing past winners before each acting award. Tina Fey now joins an exclusive club that includes Jackee.

Every year I receive a handsome DVD from TIL’ DEATH for “my consideration”. And every year I think “in what universe???” Better to spend the $50,000 and hire another writer.

Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like the lead singer of the Cars.

Very elegant comedy montage – pratfalls, sex jokes, and Tina Fey on the toilet. Doesn’t it seem like FRASIER’S been off the air for a hundred years?

Yay for Kristin Chenoweth who won for a show that ABC cancelled. Her voice is so squeaky high anyway that when she started to cry garage doors all over America went up. But her emotional speech felt very real and heartfelt and after directing her last sitcom I’m relieved that I didn’t kill her career.

Cynthia Nixon has the world’s longest neck. She could be the spokesperson for Toys R’ Us.

There was a tie for best Children’s Program: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and I HAVE TOURETTE’S. How do you choose? It’s the same show.

The Reality Show montage: five minutes of angry people being bleeped. This is the “excellence in television” we’re celebrating tonight.

One category they should eliminate is “Guest Actor/Actress” for comedy and drama. These are nothing more than a salute to stunt casting. It’s a reward for movie stars to slum it and do TV or former TV stars to get a big payday while they still can. Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Aniston, and perennial Ellen Burstyn (who actually won one year for being on camera literally 14 seconds). Replace the category with “Newcomers of the Year”. The ATAS wants new viewers? Honor new talent. Can you imagine anyone who uses the word “dude” rooting for Ellen Burstyn?

For all the hyperbole no one came close to Diane English the year she declared that MURPHY BROWN was the greatest sitcom of all time. Now she’s written and directed THE WOMEN, arguably the greatest movie of all-time.

The academy missed a few TV catch phrases in their salute:

“Gggggggggggggggggg!” (Gale Storm as Margie, MY LITTLE MARGIE). “Fuck!” (everyone from DEADWOOD). “Woof” …which means “Timmy, Grandpa is caught in a bear trap by the stream near that old oak tree – no, not that old oak tree, the other one – and you have to come quick and bring the first aid kit, but put on some pants first.” (Lassie in LASSIE), and finally: “ “ (Kathy Lee Gifford on REGIS & KATHY).

From the Red Carpet with KTLA's Sam Rubin & Jessica Holmes (normally a helicopter traffic reporter):

Marcia Cross was asked by Sam what kind of sunscreen she was wearing. She said nothing and walked away. Sam announced: "No SPF for Marcia Cross. There's your headline!"

They couldn’t pronounce Zeljko Ivanek's name, nor did they appear to know what show he's from. He helped them out (DAMAGES, for which he won) and then Jessica, who apparently had no questions, told him how much she likes ICE ROAD TRUCKERS.