Friday, September 23, 2011

Getting You Ready for the Emmys

    The 97th annual Emmy Awards take place tomorrow night. As always, I will be reviewing it. But this year my review will be very different. Check back Monday and see. But to get you all excited, this weekend I'm reprising observations from past Emmy reviews. Relive the magic and snark.

    In sixty years there’s never been worse co-hosts than Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Ryan Seacrest, and Tom Bergeron. (Snow White and the four dwarfs) Suffering through that excruciating opening where they vamped about nothing was like reliving my Uncle Lou’s 75th birthday party at Sr. George’s Smorgasbord.

    And letting Heidi Klum do comedy is like giving a squirrel a grenade.

    The people in the first ten rows you don’t recognize are called “seat fillers”. When the seat fillers have to go to the bathroom they’re replaced by the “nominated writers”.

    Nice touch showing past winners before each acting award. Tina Fey now joins an exclusive club that includes Jackee.

    Every year I receive a handsome DVD from TIL’ DEATH for “my consideration”. And every year I think “in what universe???” Better to spend the $50,000 and hire another writer.

    Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like the lead singer of the Cars.

    Very elegant comedy montage – pratfalls, sex jokes, and Tina Fey on the toilet. Doesn’t it seem like FRASIER’S been off the air for a hundred years?

    Yay for Kristin Chenoweth who won for a show that ABC cancelled. Her voice is so squeaky high anyway that when she started to cry garage doors all over America went up. But her emotional speech felt very real and heartfelt and after directing her last sitcom I’m relieved that I didn’t kill her career.

    Cynthia Nixon has the world’s longest neck. She could be the spokesperson for Toys R’ Us.

    There was a tie for best Children’s Program: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and I HAVE TOURETTE’S. How do you choose? It’s the same show.

    The Reality Show montage: five minutes of angry people being bleeped. This is the “excellence in television” we’re celebrating tonight.

    One category they should eliminate is “Guest Actor/Actress” for comedy and drama. These are nothing more than a salute to stunt casting. It’s a reward for movie stars to slum it and do TV or former TV stars to get a big payday while they still can. Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Aniston, and perennial Ellen Burstyn (who actually won one year for being on camera literally 14 seconds). Replace the category with “Newcomers of the Year”. The ATAS wants new viewers? Honor new talent. Can you imagine anyone who uses the word “dude” rooting for Ellen Burstyn?

    For all the hyperbole no one came close to Diane English the year she declared that MURPHY BROWN was the greatest sitcom of all time. Now she’s written and directed THE WOMEN, arguably the greatest movie of all-time.

    The academy missed a few TV catch phrases in their salute:

    “Gggggggggggggggggg!” (Gale Storm as Margie, MY LITTLE MARGIE). “Fuck!” (everyone from DEADWOOD). “Woof” …which means “Timmy, Grandpa is caught in a bear trap by the stream near that old oak tree – no, not that old oak tree, the other one – and you have to come quick and bring the first aid kit, but put on some pants first.” (Lassie in LASSIE), and finally: “ “ (Kathy Lee Gifford on REGIS & KATHY).

    From the Red Carpet with KTLA's Sam Rubin & Jessica Holmes (normally a helicopter traffic reporter):

    Marcia Cross was asked by Sam what kind of sunscreen she was wearing. She said nothing and walked away. Sam announced: "No SPF for Marcia Cross. There's your headline!"

    They couldn’t pronounce Zeljko Ivanek's name, nor did they appear to know what show he's from. He helped them out (DAMAGES, for which he won) and then Jessica, who apparently had no questions, told him how much she likes ICE ROAD TRUCKERS.

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